Suitcases 4

This train has reached it's final destination...





No matter how you call it, how you write about it: if you really feel you're doing 'something' wrong,   

try taking a look at it from different angles...

(c) 'Lantern Pole being curious' by Jene Jasper.

in any which way. It doesn't have to be by packing your suitcase.
Now , if you come up with ideas for a change for the better... 

- Make sure that this time these ideas are truly yours. Not suggestions taken from others. else you can't stand for your choice when the going gets tough... and it  will get tough if you choose for 'Change'.

- It doesn't matter whether you decide to slowly introduce them or go for the big bang.
Just the plain fact that you are changing course, or tracks, means that your life IS different from now on.

- Don't give in on these ideas, not even after 300 failed attempts... after all, there is beauty even in the attempt: the attempt in itself means you are being true to yourself.  

If the journey means nothing to you, and you are only focusing on reaching your desired destination ....   boy you are closing your eyes for the biggest part of your life. And  you might be disembarking at station "Disappointment" if you turn down the unexpected switches offered to you in your journey.
God [or Fate or Life or Love] 
     may have a better destination in mind for you, than you do yourself!




 

Short Notice

Blogging is put on hold for now...
I need the month November for focusing on my career as  Writer, Researcher, Subtitler and Translator.
So I'll be working on that and boosting up my website "JoJasper.org"

If  time allows it.
    a little post might come up...
Else.
    all blogging will be postponed until December...
 Endif.

You see?  It is high time I switch to a full time career as writer and stop being a programmer.

True to the Child

"Everything is right for me that is right for you, O Universe. 

Nothing for me is too early or too late that comes in due time for you.

Everything is fruit to me that your seasons bring, O Nature"

Marcus Aurelius

I am doing research on the roman era.  No doubt this will influence my posts for a while. Although... right now I'm studying stoicism. And I must say: I have always been very much a Stoic. -Not the weird definition we have of  stoicism now, but one who sees how giving in to Lust can distract you from finding Love- 

The rest of the text for this post is already written down on a paper handkerchief. All I need is the time to type it out as a post.



October 10. 

Thanks to something horrid I suddenly have time to write. While I'm in the middle of sorrow I finish this post that deals with the question "are you content with your life?"  Only my greatest fan(s) understand(s) this weird twist of fate...

December 2011  I introduced a portrait in clay... Eve, the Goddess of change I named her later on. Because my life is changing ever since I started to make her and climbed out of the garbage bag I was in. Was I living in it, or hiding from life I ask myself now? 

Even now that Eve has left my house and lives practically on the other side of the earth.. -to help someone else change his life :)  -  the changes don't stop. And they don't come easily. So naturally I ask myself at the hard moments "Are you satisfied?" 
I decided to pass the question on to the child I was forty years ago.

I remember having on my night stand a small pile of papers with the beginning of a story typed on it. My first "Chapter 1".  I could barely read and already I was addicted to books and drama. I knew what I wanted to be, when I'd grow up... a writer. 

I remember the plot and the plan.  It would be about a classroom with all the classmates in it.. torn off the building by a storm. It would land on some remote, enchanted place and there....  I didn't have any clear idea of actual scenes or dialogs, but I knew it would be about the confrontation between the class's most popular girl and it's ignored "class dummy". This  "wall flower" would step out of the shadow into the light. I just didn't know how. I simply had faith that while writing the story, it would enfold itself.

That is how I write my stories today! Even the theme is one I'd like to work out right now.

So when I ask the child I was whether she's content with how I'm doing now... I know she says "Yes". As I knew for sure several years ago that she'd say "No".  
Not that I've reached all the goals I was dreaming of as a child. But I'm believing in them, reaching for them and putting up a fight whenever I am pushed back into the shadow. And that is how I was at six... openly defending what I thought was right. Not caring whether I got hurt due to the fight. By watching passively I felt hurt so much more. 

Slowly I let my society, and my fears, cover these traits with the dreamless gray dust of forced adaptation. I lost my way. But I've found it back again and I'm determined not to let it get out of sight again.
Look at me, I'm actually writing. Only very few listen, understand and appreciate it, but those few are enough for me to push on. I thank them for their support, right here! 

Is your inner child happy with you?

Jo

AWOL

I am defecting, right now, right here, I should be either translating a text from German to Dutch, or write an English text about sexuality amongst the ancient Romans.  I should.  I used to define the verb 'should'  as 
<< I know I ought to, but let's not...>>  with a smile.

Now that's the problem. My smile is gone.  I looked under my bed, it isn't even there. 

According to the newspapers I'm an average dutch person, and being very fashionable: having a part time job and setting up a small private company.  The difference between me and the interviewed persons however is that this is not what I want. I see this as a very unfortunate phase that must be 'lived down' as quickly as possible. I spent eight and a half hours in the office today, including a thirty minute lunch break in which I have been translating a booklet on autism.  Next to the office hours, I travel almost 3 hours, forth and back, in which I work approximately an hour. working on that same translation. And now I feel I ought to be writing for a few hours more.
I know, there are people who have to work even harder than I do, for less reward. If they can manage to do so while retaining their capacity to smile ... I am jealous of them. 
I don't mind the hard work, but something grim crept in. That's what I'm complaining about. I seem to have maneuvered myself into the corner of competition.
What for, I ask myself right now... it may be only a ghost that  I've conjured up myself...

That is exactly why I started to write... because my blog, born out of a toothache that I'm still grateful for, is the only place where I manage to mellow again, become myself, I write here what I like and if you like it, join me, read my posts. If you don't, move back to google. Find yourself another page!  Ay, here I go again, being gruff and short tempered.

Maybe the crucial part is my shaky belief in the outcome. The dark muddy garden, only seeds in the ground and no idea whether they will send out roots and leaflets... If you read the post on the woman at the well, you will realize I haven't taken the water that will cause me to not to be thirsty ever again... 
Then again, anyone can hang in, if he had the guarantee the outcome would be good. Child's play. It's time to stop being childish and mix planting with pleasure.  
I must make sure my nose is still capable of smelling when the blossoms open up in my garden, And my taste buds must be in order by the time the fruit of my work begins to ripen. All is dark now, seemingly resting but in truth.. teeming with life power... 

Sigh... there's nothing to do, doing too much might cause harm. But there's so little to enjoy right now, in this barren backyard. Working is actually more fun than 'loitering' when there's no palm under which you can drink your piña colada. Or in my case: a beech tree to keep the rain out of my coffee mug :)
I'll do some watering tomorrow, and some weeding the day after... I should do as my saplings are doing:  lie still and let Life run through it's course. But I know what will happen while I try... it won't be happy thoughts, growing roots. It'll be weed, shooting up and becoming a 'choker'.
-May be for the better Jo. So you can identify them and get rid of them most effectively -

This gardener should learn to dream again, she still could, not so many months ago ... even if it's only about the harvest celebration that  -stop doubting!-  she one day will have.That would be the biggest loss: to be bitter by then. 

Maybe I'm not smiling brightly yet, but at least I know what is most important right now... find something tiny, amazing and touching. Or something that needs care, not toughness.  That's the best cure against bitterness. Deadline's, Reputations  and Prestige can't hold up against such rivals :))

Jo