Odd Friends and Other Non-Sequiturs

   It's definitely not spring time, it's freezing. And yet I'm thinking of follies, feel like playing pranks.

But then again, I never needed spring for that. Autumn is my favoured season.

   I'm not going to disclose all my premises that lead to this post. The fact that they were the 'driving' force behind it, is credit enough. You don't understand me? That can't be helped, there's a pleasure sure in being mad, which none but madmen know... [John Dryden,The Spanish Friar; 1681]

*****

I have tried and concluded that a datingsite is not the place where I make friends. It's like going to the beach. I do like the sea, but there's just too many people around. Too much exultation.

Friendship is energy, flowing between two persons. I make friends at small but headstrong brooks. I'm attrackted to their rippling laughter, their clashing and whirling. Am even prepared to break the ice that might still reside over them at the end of another winter.

Yet some of my friendships grew slowly, like a leak in a dyke, water seeping through sluice-gates.

Like it happened between Winston and me. I didn't even want to be his friend.

I was afraid of him. He could stare at me without conveying his annoyance. With me. So I did what I once heard was a great help against fear: just greet the person you're afraid of, calling him by his name. So every time I passed by, I said “Hello Winston” and greeted his friend as well. Hiding my fear.

Since Winston lived near the town center, where I do my shopping, I had to pass his house quite often.

And every time when he was is in his yard I repeated “Hello Winston.” That went on for a long time. Winston never said a word.

After two years, Winston's friend walked over to the gate. The friend had a much friendlier air about him, so I halted. The moment I stretched out my hand to him … his dinky little tail almost flew off from wagging it so enthousiasticly. How he loved being petted. In spite of all the mock chases he and his big black friend had been performing. Now Winston was really angry. With his most Rotweiler like stance, he stood over the old English Bulldog and sunk his teeth in him. I withdrew, casting worried glances over my shoulder to the smallest one, whom I had been calling 'Churchill' for two years now.

The next day a fit and healthy Churchill came running to the gate again, followed closely by Winston.

No sooner then that Churchill poked his snout through the gate, Winston stood over him, glaring at me.

If I wanted to pet the smaller dog, -which I did- I had to pet his leader first. My stomach tightened. In just a few seconds it would be determined. Whether I would go through life as the handless maiden or not. I raised my hand over the black head, Winston turned up his nose to sniff my palm, bringing his mouth closer into the bargain. Then it happened. He was wagging his tail too.

The problem with Winston is that he's possessive and jealous. I can still pet him, but I only do it when alone. With his front paws on the gate, he growls and bites at anyone who is with me or even close to me. He's not my 'easiest' friend.

So what, friendship comes in all shapes and sizes.

Forgive me , Giovanni Francesco di Bernardone, for adapting your prayer a little, but I think it's a befitting way to finish this seemingly non-sequiturial post.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I rather seek

to console as to be consoled;

to understand, as to be understood;

to cherish, as to be cherished.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may be loving and respectful 

to other life forms that I encounter, plant or animal.

For it is through all our fellow creatures

that we can honour and receive Your Love

Amen.

Writer's Block

My son's cat, a big white cat (8 kg ) named Mario, is a special case. 

He's like a Great Dane among the cats, and yet he has his fears... 

He's afraid of most men.  It's because of this habit that the vet gave the cat to my family 3 years ago. My son was 10, so my household was considered 'manless'.  Only an occasional visit from my brother disturbed the tranquility. It took Mario over a year to get used to my brother.

Apart from this fear of human men, Mario has an eating disorder and a drinking problem!

The cat's afraid of drinking water from a bowl, He can't see the level of the water and of course it varies at times. I've seen him stick his head in too deep. Causing him to inhale water through his nose and causing panic..  

However, Mario came up with a solution, single-handedly: he pushes his bowl across the floor with one paw. At one fell swoop. It makes the water dance  -and  me run for a towel.   When the movement of the water is somewhat subdued and regular, he looks for the surface by the changing reflection of the light. He peers and peers into his bowl and suddenly starts to drink. Without dipping his nose in!

My son witnessed the birth of the eating 'disorder'. When Mario was with us only a couple of days he almost choked on one of his cat cookies. He was rescued by my son. 

I didn't know that. But I noticed some odd behaviour.... whenever I came out of the bathroom, Mario would be sitting close to the door. On seeing me, he'd rise and walk to 'his' room, mewing. Looking over his shoulder to check if I was following him. At his bowl with cookies he would stop, mew and check again if I were there and only then he would start to eat. The amount of cookies in the bowl hinted that he hadn't eaten them all day.  As if he had been waiting for someone to be present when he ate. 

When my son and I 'compared notes' we could only conlcude that Mario is afraid of choking on his cookies and therefore wants one of us to be present when he eats them.

Don't tell me that animals can't think. This cat came up with solutions for his own fears. He even knew how to recruit others to help him. A completely different species. 

Trust 2: Prerequisites

In the line “he trusts her” the he is the giver of trust and she is at the receiving end. If she is really rotten and selfish, he is crazy to trust her. But what if she's honest, loyal, caring? And he still doesn't trust her completely? She gets out of her way to prove her trustworthiness, but at the slightest silence, he panics or gets angry: “She doesn't like me anymore. We're no longer friends.” She could become a slave, disloyal to herself, trying to comply and pacify him the moments when his Trust gives out. Or she might give up the friendship. Pity, it could have been so nice.

What's wrong here? Why is he not trusting someone with lots of loyalty? The problem clearly lies within the Giver, in the him of our example.

1. Is it the way he looks at others?
2. Is it what he imagines others will think of him?

The first perspective is about experience. When bad experiences outweigh positive ones, it becomes harder to trust a normal loyal person. That is what bitterness can do. These experiences can come from one's own relationships, or from witnessing the relationships of others. Parents, siblings, colleagues.

The second perspective has to do with self image or self esteem. One can have too little of it (Low Self Esteem, LSE), a healthy amount (High Self Esteem, HSE) or too much (which I call Excessive Self Esteem, ESE). The latter enters the field of narcism, which I don't want to discuss here.

Now what did I say about Trusting? It's a freely chosen dependency, counting on the other party's loyalty. In every type of relationship.

Oooh, dependency . Is it about a healthy dependency or a sick one? Can one pull out when necessary, or does ones whole life depend on it? We'll see.

I'll limit my post to comparing people with low self esteem and high self esteem, in the way they trust a normal, trustworthy, partner. 

Someone with low self esteem thinks that nobody likes him. People may say they do. But they are either lying or will change their minds soon.Which is either stupid or arrogant, by the way: one cannot know what the other thinks

In a relationship, the person with LSE will have his Trust torn up by doubts very often. He needs a lot of reassurance.

On the other hand, the same person may think he needs to buy himself into the relationship. Because he believes that he himself is worthless and only his material assets - money, gifts-  are appreciated. 
Poor LSE-er: the gifts may become more than a partner will feel comfortable with. 
 

Since LSE has its effect on every type of relationship, the person with LSE probably is faltering through life. The new relationship, be that friendship or a love relationship, becomes the One thing, getting all of the focus. Not only because he has nothing better going on. Also because being in a relationship increases his value. The relationship determines the value of his entire life. A sick dependency is coming up. So much , that the person with LSE might accept disloyalty from the partner, even pick himself bad partners. The danger of negative experiences lurks around.

Someone with high self esteem probably has a busy life, with many friends and interests. A love relationship or a new friendship is a beautiful addition to that life, but it is not everything. So a person with HSE will not easily end up in a sick dependency. Neither will a person with HSE accept disloyalty.

Someone with high self esteem knows that he is likeable, loveable. He is free to reject relationships, because others are waiting around the corner.

Since a person with a positive self image realises that he is important to others, prolonged silence of a (business) partner does not shatter his trust. Neither does a person with HSE have the compulsion to buy himself into a relationship, so no embarrassing showers of attention and gifts.

If the partner is ditto, there's a healthy ground for the relationship to evolve. It'll become strong and transparent, like a diamond.

When it comes to gathering experience: people with low self esteem have a higher risk of negative experiences. On the other hand, they can also remain isolated for a long time, prolonging their naivety.

When you have HSE, your chances of good experiences are better.

Now there we have the switch of the permanently burning lamp: the more you appreciate yourself, the more you know that others like you too. That makes it easier to trust someone: there's little or no doubt at the moments that there is no 'prove' from the partner. You don't fall into thinking 'She doesn't like me anymore'.

Simply because you believe in yourself. And because this 'system' often renders positive experiences, it reinforces itself. 

 Do you have a negative self image?  Take another look at yourself!

Mind you: LSE can be cured, so no worries. 
You may even cure yourself, by living your life, trying new things, taking risks of banging your nose once in a while … and cherish every tiny positive result.

If you think you're not worth that try, do it for others. Because you obviously can't trust -and love- someone else well enough, if you have a negative self image. Love thy neighbour as you love yourself, right?

Trust 1: Definition

Five letters, such a tiny word. So essential to life. 
Do you really know what Trust is? What it is and what it takes?
Having nothing better to do travelling from my hometown to my training, I decided to trust the crowd of the morning rush hour -that they would not step on me, not read my notes over my shoulder nor pick my pockets- and see if I could figure out why trust comes easy to some and so hard to others. 
Thinking while writing, not knowing where I will end up is what I like most.  Actually: at one point I ended up at a wrong  station, having forgotten to change trains at an earlier  station 
Forgive me if I make wrong linguistic conclusions... I'm not a native english speaker. Sesame Street and MASH were my teachers.


What is Trust?
Trust in God, trust your friends, trust yourself. Trustworthy, untrustworthy.

If you don't have enough Trust in your body, could you go to the general store and buy some? How would that affect your life?
"Goodday sir."
- "Morning ma'am."
- "I'd like to buy some trust."
- "Here you are lady."
I pay the price mentioned. not that I trust the owner in mentioning a fair price. I just don't bargain because I believe that I'm not going to win anyway.

Are believing and trusting the same? I think they're close, they're brothers. But no twins (sorry if I insult twins with that). 'I believe you' or 'I believe in you' is different from 'I trust you'. But how? Please say it again, feel it for yourself.


There seems to be a dependency or cooperation in Trusting someone, that is not necessarily present in Believing. Or Believing is more momentary, more superficial.
Years ago, a colleague said if I needed to talk, I could call him any time, even in the middle of the night. I believed he meant it. At the moment he said it.  But I never made use of the offer. Because he might have forgotten his promise or might feel bad himself, which would render him unable to stick to his promise.
I didn't Believe In him. His strength, his perseverance, his constancy.
No...we're not covering Trust with this example. Yet... I think now that Believing In comes closer to Trust than plain Believing.


Maybe the difference is in the cooperation? Another experiment, to test it.
   1. Newly wed wife says to her husband, who is on his way to a job interview: "..."
   2. Newly wed wife says to her husband, who is about to hunt for a house for the two of them: "..."

What to enter on the dots?
   A. Go ahead, I trust you.
   B. Go ahead, I believe in you

I believe Trust is applicable to situation 2. There is a dependency. The wife -voluntarily- depends on her husband for the choice of their new home. Does she place her trust in his capability or in his respect, his love for her? His loyalty?  What if he buys a house she doesn't like, or which turns out to be a cat in the bag?

I think that is mainly a choice. Or a matter of character, personal beliefs.  [I could use the word convictions here, but then the question arises: are we convicted to our convictions or do we choose them?]
The more loving the woman is, the least interested she's in the outcome. There's room for forgiveness. So what, if her partner made a mistake?  As long as his intentions were aimed at the welfare of both of them.
Suppose on the other hand, he bought a house solely based on his own taste. In complete disregard of his wife's interests and taste? Now that would be disloyal. His wife's trust has been betrayed.

So maybe it is this simple:

I believe you  =  I know you're honest (right now)

I believe in you  =  I know you're capable

I trust you  =  I know you're loyal

Three virtues, I must say. Of which loyalty is the most important. I believe.