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Wednesday, February 28, 2018

The Psychology of Handwriting

I loved being at the Mezrab Storytelling School.
But focus on the handwriting for now.
In my previous blog, "The Empty Room", I mentioned being slow at doing my sums because I was a slow writer. 

I didn't even finish my IQ test in the final year of primary school. So my score was 128.  What would it have been, had I been faster at writing? 


Some children are slow at writing because of some mishap in the cerebellum or vestibular system. This causes problems with fine motor skills such as brushing teeth and writing. Like the conductor has been handed a sledge hammer to conduct his orchestra.
These children produce illegible handwriting and are called 'dysgraphic'.  My writing is pretty neat, so I was labeled "slow".

Sensory experts will tell you that a test for sensory processing issues is not about
* what you can do   
but about  *  how much it costs you to do that . 
From that point of view I might be called dysgraphic. Especially considering the fact that I avoid movement and sitting on chairs, a sign my vestibular system is not ideal. 

Yet I believe I wrote slowly because of ...    nightmares. 

Passive Bullying

The boy of my dreams 😓
The nightmares started at kindergarten, where children were often excluding me from their games, talking down on me and they whispered about me within hearing range.  Passive bullying. Aided by a weird teacher who taught children to sing rather mean songs about their classmates.

In my dreams, I had to walk past a row of children (all drawn in ink) standing along the school fence. They were calling me names and saying mean things.  It hurt like hell, but it was the only way to reach my home.
Like it was in reality.

The bullying continued at primary school. In my dreams the row of children was exchanged by numbers and letters chasing me, a small sign that could not outrun them.  I rang door bells and shouted at open windows to ask adults for help, but they told me to just play with these 'friends'. Then they shut their windows and closed the curtains. 

Kind numbers

Above the angry signs,
below the kind ones
That's how numbers and letters turned into characters, people. And they could look real mean.  
I hated seeing an evil looking 5 or an angry 3 in my note book, so I wrote slowly, to make sure the curves were nice and round. Making friendly numbers and letters that did not get me down.   

Apart from that, doing calculus was so boring that I would let the angry [slip of the pen] and friendly numbers have conversations.  

No wonder I had a hard time finishing my sums before break, let alone my IQ test. 
Hmmm  😋, I remember from this test that we had to write a story and I silently reveled in that. I wrote about a seal all alone on a floe, floating on the sea. It was happy, in spite of its loneliness. 


I wonder what a graphologist would say about a handwriting that developed from having nightmares. 
Here's a sample:  
All friendly ways of writing

Are you a graphologist?  Your comment would be nice!

The Empty Room

   I know of a room that is a happy room.  Really,  if you just open the door a little bit and poke your head in, you will smile.
   Light is flooding in through a window that's as wide as the room. There's so much sky to see, and trees too. And inside the room are sweet looking dolls and animals. Both old and new ones.
   There are glass jars for water to rinse the paintbrushes that are in a vase behind the jars.  The paint is on that same table. Acrylic paint for paper and canvass, and even more paint for textile, you know... t-shirts, blouses and pants.
    Light, colors and toy friends. A room full of spirit.
   And magic!  For a real white cat spends hours up there. Black cats for black magic, white cats for white magic, right?

    The sad thing is ... the owner never enters the room.  She furnished it, put everything in place while smiling at the thought of many hours to be spent here. Then she went downstairs , to her "living" room and never walked back upstairs.
   How can anyone hide from happiness? Happiness is like an essential nutrient: without adding it to your "things-to-do-diet"  you die. Mentally.

Unable to enjoy happiness

   Yes, how?  Let's dive into the woman's past to look for a clue.
    At school she was not allowed to play with the other children during breaks, when she hadn't written down all the sums. [She was very good at arithmetic, but terribly slow at writing]
    At home she was not allowed to do what she liked if she hadn't done her homework first. And only after finishing a dinner she disliked, was she allowed to have desert.

   The adults of her childhood probably thought they were training her well, make her suited for life in a demanding world. It was supposed to teach self discipline.
   Alas, the actual message they sent, said "Happiness is not unconditional. It's a treat that is to be earned and can only be enjoyed when there is time left over."
For those who like lists, here's a breakdown of the message:

  1.  Happiness comes at a price; To be paid up front
  2.  You have no right to be happy, but you may earn bits of it
  3.  Happiness is no more than a treat: not essential, but an extra
  4.  Happiness is so unimportant, you may only enjoy it when there is time left over!!  
     For Time is actually intended for serious matters [that rarely bring joy - how come?]
    With that message in mind, a room dedicated to hours of happiness becomes a threat.  It requires a huge entrance fee and it makes the person entering it into a felon, stealing Time that was meant to be spent on serious matters. On tasks that matter more to others than to oneself.
And one should put others first, because  "what am I anyway" ? Someone who doesn't even have the right to be happy....

        So especially when the woman is tired, burned out and feeling down... the price of entering the room has become way too high. For she is much too tired to pay the price required to be have a happy hour.  No, for the woman it is best to stay away from happy places...

    Actually, her generation was brought up that way and many of them get a burn out when they are somewhere around 50. These people are compulsory in delivering whatever is demanded by others and great at neglecting their own health.  As a consequence. they do not recharge their battery often enough .... by being doing something that makes them happy.

I am searching like mad to find a way to rub out those bad lessons, so the woman can enjoy being happy without feeling guilty over it.  But it's a difficult puzzle.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Realitiy is no longer allowed to enter my house

Reality is how we make it

   "Let's be realistic"   I've heard the line so many times.   Too often it is used to shut down beautiful plans, plans that could have created happiness. 
It is bull shit. A self fulfilling prophecy: if you start working on your dreams filled the thought that you are actually crazy and unrealistic ... you WILL fail, concluding that those who had warned you were right. You might even join their ranks and discourage others with that same line.

   Reality, dear people,  is not a given thing.  It's under construction.   And people's attitudes are the most important tool in shaping it and making it either beautiful or harsh and cold.
   It's hard to explain how reality is everything but reality...  I hope a simple example will do the trick. 

   Imagine yourself asking somebody for a loan for a fun and sort of crazy business plan you've got.  Inside you wonder whether it will work out and whether it is actually right to borrow money for it.  The person whom you are asking for a loan,  will sense this.  And it will affect his judgment of your plans: he sees someone who is not strong enough to carry out the businessplan. So you will not get the loan.
   Had you felt inspired and energetic, ready to give your all to your new business, this positive energy could have affected the other person and a "yes" , the loan,  would have been likely.
   Carry that happy attitude throughout your business and its chances of succeeding are so much better..   Your crazy plans have BECOME reality!
    In other words:

Your attitude shapes Reality!!

   Please assume a positive attitude as often as you can. 
   That is actually like the Buddhist Karma.... positive behavior  from you,  creates a world with more positive vibrations.  Karma is not a reward system, you will not be paid back directly, one deed for another.  But a world with more positive vibrations will affect your life too.

The drawback of shaping Reality together

   Yes, this used to be my vision on Reality.  However there is a problem ...
   There are still too many people who hold on to a negative attitude. The "I believe it when I see it" attitude of skeptics who cannot accept a true fact when the mechanism behind it is not proven by science.
   The cowardly "as long as I'm not hurt" attitude , used by people who cling to silly bureaucratic procedures, so they will not be blamed when things go wrong.  Even though this might hurt others.  (Actually, this attitude opens doors for wars and genocide).
   The list of negative attitudes is endless, let's not sum them all up. It makes me, and you, too sad to function.  Those negative people don't want to get you down intentionally, but the result is the same.

   I am about to have a serious relapse in my burn out  just by trying to break through barriers thrown up by employees of  two important and several minor organisations.  It wears me out.
   Conclusion: one person's positive energy cannot outweigh the rigidity of many who cling to procedures for their own safety. 

   Now if there was a strong network of positive thinkers who could help each other get up again, help each other fight for a more positive Realitiy ... like that V-shaped flock of geese who are taking over when the one up front is tired...    [they do cross many many miles that way! ]   .. yes, then I might just make it.  But I'm not in such a network right now. I don't even know if there is one.

cc  by-nc 2.0  phot by JB Banks  Text Joyce Meyer 

A desperate attitude

   My new attitude towards Reality is to avoid it.  Negative, maybe. It look like I actually did join the ranks of those who want to feel safe. The difference is that I will not be applying senseless rules and procedures dictated by realistic people.  On the contrary.
   My (soul) home's my castle. Reality  - in any hideously disfigured shape -  is not welcome here.  If it forces itself a way in...  it will be thrown out a.s.a.p. And given the silent treatment until then. I can no longer invest in trying to turn wrongs into rights. Please pass me by!

   This blog and my new parallel blog inspired by trees and flowers,   will cover only dreams and hopes and all "things impossible" from now on!!

I now fully agree with Dorothy Gilman's  'Miss L'Hommedieu' :

"Once I met with Reality
and found it so chilling
that I have avoided it
ever since."

Monday, November 14, 2016

Reconnecting with the Soul

The Soul-woman within me
should be resting
in my sacral cradle.

Make her mystic meals
in the abdominal cavity
and do her life's  work
right here from the heart.

But she is not
She is held captive
high up in the tower 
past its ivory gates

I'll have to drive my dragon-bike
from Chicago to L.A.
breaking barriers to set her free