Suicide is not a choice

   Suicide, some religions or cultures forbid it. Saying it's a sin to take away a life before God says it's time.
   Yet if an animal is suffering we condone having it put to sleep. We call it "humane" and tell ourselves that an animal should feel good, have joy in life.
   What, pray tell, is the goal of a human life?
   Are we obligated to live, no matter how rotten and painful it gets?

   Anyway, let's go back to the subject:  when someone, a human(e) being, commits suicide it's called a "bad choice".   I question that.... 

   My son and I have been going through a rough time simultaneously when my son was 10 years old.  One problem led to another, a lot of dominoes falling down.... matters taken out of our hands by powerful people who didn't understand shit of what was going on.  They wrecked our lives and we had to try to repair it behind their backs... a very difficult task.
   We both used to sigh often "I wish I was dead."  and the next moment felt guilty.... That line must be an insult to the ones who try to support you. It sounds thankless and selfish. Like "my pain of living is more important than your pain in reaction to my death".
   So we made a deal: it was alright to use that line,  since it seemed to help to let off steam. But the other, who heard the line, had to translate it:

"I wish I was dead"  =  "I wish my life was different".

By and by I noticed I made the translation before sighing.... uttering the line  "I wish my life was different".
   That line points out that there are choices and change is something a person can pursue. It puts your life back into your own hands and makes it look like a painting or some other art work of which you yourself are the creator.

   Beautiful words, right?  There is a catch however. We live in a complicated world, sharing it with many others. Rules, regulations, dependencies...  we are never for a full 100 %  the painter of our own lives.
   We are bound by limits... a disease that can't be cured, financial limitations due to lack of schooling or lack of jobs. Not having the support you need in your network... You are never independent, other factors, people,  have a say in how you paint your life's picture.
   Sure, if you don't like the directions given to you, the boundaries you run into... there's the choice to try something else...  like walking down a corridor with many doors.
   If one door doesn't open, you try the next door. With trying I don't just mean trying the handle, but  fidgeting with the lock with all your intelligence,  throwing yourself against the door with all the power you have, hell use dynamite if you must....
Suicide is always one of those doors. That doesn't make suicide a choice. Not for me.  It's the last door I will go through.  The door carries the sign "No Entry".
   But when all other doors have been tried, really ALL... and you cannot stay in that corridor because the water is rising and you are drowning... You will open that door at the end of the corridor, not by choice but by instinct. To save yourself form drowning.
   Drowning? Yes, when life is more hell than you imagine death to be.  When your fear of life is bigger than your fear of death. Suicide is what is left when you ran out of life affirming options.

   I'm not the only one who looks at suicide this way, I have people backing up my ideas.... here's an article on animals committing suicide and the idea that suicide is not a choice is backed up by the researchers:
Animal Suicide Sheds Light on Human Behavior

   Don't look down on people who tried to commit suicide, failing or not.  They were fighters who gave their all. You don't want to know the hell they went through before they opened that final door.

   Someone you know is suicidal? Open doors. Doors that suit that individual, not doors that you like!

BathingBeauty

Broken Heart

The plant that's flourishing most abundantly in my garden is a "Broken Heart".
The memories connected to this plant I prefer to forget. But the fact that this plant is doing so well after recovering from neglect and next survived -unintended- mistreatment has symbolical significance: A broken heart can recover ! Not just once.


I just wonder how...

For days I'm wrestling with the notion, that my dearest dream just cannot come true, that it is silly to invest all my reserves in it and waste what I have here.
Letting go of a dream that runs so deep is as heartbreaking as losing a loved one. I navigated by it, it gave meaning to all I did.  Now every movement I make seems useless, dispirited .... and it drains my last bit of energy.
I wish I could go underground, like the Broken Heart did, to heal the roots I've severed.  Hibernating until the pain is over, or at least bearable.

Even before the heart breaks, the tears are already there.

You can see them in the white part

Afraid to let go of your fear?

  Odd ... I was waiting for the bus home from work, in the fading sun light, looking at the tell tale signs of spring all around me... and I felt happy. Not just inebriated by spring, but with a strong sense of belonging. Free of fear...

    That is odd, I thought . I'm counting down the number of days I still have my job and soon I'll be unemployed. I'm not supposed to be happy, I'm supposed to be sad and afraid of this new episode of being poor [according to the standards of my country] and stuck, looking for work. And a line came back to mind, a line I recently picked as new column theme: "Are you afraid of letting go of fear?"


    The general thought is that we fear fear. This tight circle can cause panic attacks.  And the best way to deal with it is to tell your panic wave to just come, knock you out, because you know you'll survive it.     Not giving in to your fear just dis-empowers it.
    So, we all dislike fear, right? At it's worst, we are afraid of it. We'd never love it. The catch phrase "Are you afraid of letting go of fear?"  makes no sense at all.


    I dare you... to entertain the idea that we have learned to love our fears. We're clinging to it, thinking it protects us from danger, from doing stupid things. It taught us how to behave and the reward was being accepted by others.  Fear is being rewarded!! Fear creates safety, which is valued highly.

     Fear is the fence along the path of human civilization, keeping weed and dirt off our footpaths, so that we can walk safely and cover greater distances. But we walk within boundaries, away from the perfume and colors of flowers and the invigorating scent of healing herbs.


    We use fear to structure the way we connect to one another It begins with the popular ways of raising our children,  by reprimanding, rebuking, isolating, withholding rewards. And we even have universities for it. Where we study law, our venerated consensus about the proper punishment for misbehaving.
    Having punishment advocated by our educational system and the law means we accept the use of fear as a tool. how can we ban 'terrorism'  when we use fear ourselves as the base for structuring our society. It's a contradictio in terminis.


    I'm not advocating that we live recklessly and give room to boundless selfishness, but that we replace fear by Joy, Love and Respect. This is what gives strength to our wings, the wings of our hearts, imaginations and souls. It's the root of sharing and helping,
   
    I'm not alone in this, thank God, and I hope that the "Army" of those who live without fear, and full of compassion instead, will grow in numbers all over the world.

 

“Being empathic means: "To be with another in this way that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another's world without prejudice. In some sense it means that you lay aside your self and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself that he knows he will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and can comfortably return to his own world when he wishes. Perhaps this description makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, strong yet subtle and gentle way of being.”
― Carl R. Rogers  (quote from goodreads.com)

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, 
gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking 
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
 
We were born to make manifest the glory 
of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.
 
—Marianne Williamson

Return to Love, Harper Collins, 1992.