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Tuesday, October 2, 2012

True to the Child

"Everything is right for me that is right for you, O Universe. 
Nothing for me is too early or too late that comes in due time for you.
Everything is fruit to me that your seasons bring, O Nature"
Marcus Aurelius

I am doing research on the roman era.  No doubt this will influence my posts for a while. Although... right now I'm studying stoicism. And I must say: I have always been very much a Stoic. -Not the weird definition we have of  stoicism now, but one who sees how giving in to Lust can distract you from finding Love- 

The rest of the text for this post is already written down on a paper handkerchief. All I need is the time to type it out as a post.

October 10. 

Thanks to something horrid I suddenly have time to write. While I'm in the middle of sorrow I finish this post that deals with the question "are you content with your life?"  Only my greatest fan(s) understand(s) this weird twist of fate...
December 2011  I introduced a portrait in clay... Eve, the Goddess of change I named her later on. Because my life is changing ever since I started to make her and climbed out of the garbage bag I was in. Was I living in it, or hiding from life I ask myself now? 
Even now that Eve has left my house and lives practically on the other side of the earth.. -to help someone else change his life :)  -  the changes don't stop. And they don't come easily. So naturally I ask myself at the hard moments "Are you satisfied?" 
I decided to pass the question on to the child I was forty years ago.

I remember having on my night stand a small pile of papers with the beginning of a story typed on it. My first "Chapter 1".  I could barely read and already I was addicted to books and drama. I knew what I wanted to be, when I'd grow up... a writer. 
I remember the plot and the plan.  It would be about a classroom with all the classmates in it.. torn off the building by a storm. It would land on some remote, enchanted place and there....  I didn't have any clear idea of actual scenes or dialogs, but I knew it would be about the confrontation between the class's most popular girl and it's ignored "class dummy". This  "wall flower" would step out of the shadow into the light. I just didn't know how. I simply had faith that while writing the story, it would enfold itself.
That is how I write my stories today! Even the theme is one I'd like to work out right now.

So when I ask the child I was whether she's content with how I'm doing now... I know she says "Yes". As I knew for sure several years ago that she'd say "No".  
Not that I've reached all the goals I was dreaming of as a child. But I'm believing in them, reaching for them and putting up a fight whenever I am pushed back into the shadow. And that is how I was at six... openly defending what I thought was right. Not caring whether I got hurt due to the fight. By watching passively I felt hurt so much more. 

Slowly I let my society, and my fears, cover these traits with the dreamless gray dust of forced adaptation. I lost my way. But I've found it back again and I'm determined not to let it get out of sight again.
Look at me, I'm actually writing. Only very few listen, understand and appreciate it, but those few are enough for me to push on. I thank them for their support, right here! 

Is your inner child happy with you?


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