When I was in high
school I thought it was funny to respond to my class mates as if they
scared me. So whenever anyone spoke to me I turned to them in a split
second, inhaling sharply, making my eyes large as if I was scared to
bits. I think I shrieked at times.
Before I knew it, this became a reflex,
I responded that way to every impulse. And not voluntarily anymore.
The joke went off, I had a high level of adrenaline and reacting
frightened was not the wisest thing to do in some situations. So I
had to 'unlearn' myself this state of conditioning.
But high school is a time of boredom.
Due to my SPD I avoided being touched or pushed unexpectedly, so
I always chose a seat at the back, or -if taken- at the side of the
classroom. There I would sit sideways, with my back against the wall. To have no one sitting behind me.
From my position I was able to pay attention to everyone and
everything. Except to the lesson. I used to write letters, design
fonts or simply dream of being outside, far far away from the madding
class.
In a lack luster moment I decided to
play the conditioning game again. From a positive perspective this time: I simply yelled
“Great!” at everything people said.
'Hey Jo, you're in my way.' -"Great!"
'OK class, here's tomorrow's
homework...' -"Great!"
'Next week there'll be a written test.'
-"Great!"
The Greats became automated responses
and grew louder by the day.
Economy was one of the seven 'branches'
I had chosen for final exams. The new teacher, a young man, hardly
six years older than our oldest classmate, had a terrible time
keeping order. There were people shouting or having conversations
with their backs turned to the teacher. V. had let herself drop on
the floor, playing that she'd fainted, and now R. was pulling her up
again, Making quite a show of it. I think there even were objects
flying through the air. And in the back there was a girl who kept
quiet, her eyes submerged in the sky outside. Needless to say her name was JoAnne.
The teacher inhaled, straightened his
back and announced as loud as he could: “The next one ...” the class froze, falling silent “who makes
any noise can leave and report to the principal!”
.....
Yes. Five minutes later
I was
knocking on the principal's door. Lucky for me, the principal was
not in his office, so I reported back at the teacher after the lesson
was over. R had stayed behind, spoke up for me. He is a lawyer
nowadays, a good one I presume: I was forgiven. Except for one thing.
“Why do you always have to have the last word?” the economy
teacher complained.
After I had yelled "Great!",
the teacher told me to go to the principal and report back later.
“Yes sir,” was my reply, “I will
do so with sights ands sounds.”
I was spry simply because I was
nervous. It was the first -and last- time I was expelled.
