Search This Blog

Friday, November 11, 2011

Trust 2: Prerequisites

In the line “he trusts her” the he is the giver of trust and she is at the receiving end. If she is really rotten and selfish, he is crazy to trust her. But what if she's honest, loyal, caring? And he still doesn't trust her completely? She gets out of her way to prove her trustworthiness, but at the slightest silence, he panics or gets angry: “She doesn't like me anymore. We're no longer friends.” She could become a slave, disloyal to herself, trying to comply and pacify him the moments when his Trust gives out. Or she might give up the friendship. Pity, it could have been so nice.
What's wrong here? Why is he not trusting someone with lots of loyalty? The problem clearly lies within the Giver, in the him of our example.
  1. Is it the way he looks at others?
  2. Is it what he imagines others will think of him?

The first perspective is about experience. When bad experiences outweigh positive ones, it becomes harder to trust a normal loyal person. That is what bitterness can do. These experiences can come from one's own relationships, or from witnessing the relationships of others. Parents, siblings, colleagues.

The second perspective has to do with self image or self esteem. One can have too little of it (Low Self Esteem, LSE), a healthy amount (High Self Esteem, HSE) or too much (which I call Excessive Self Esteem, ESE). The latter enters the field of narcism, which I don't want to discuss here.

Now what did I say about Trusting? It's a freely chosen dependency, counting on the other party's loyalty. In every type of relationship.
Oooh, dependency . Is it about a healthy dependency or a sick one? Can one pull out when necessary, or does ones whole life depend on it? We'll see.

I'll limit my post to comparing people with low self esteem and high self esteem, in the way they trust a normal, trustworthy, partner. 

Someone with low self esteem thinks that nobody likes him. People may say they do. But they are either lying or will change their minds soon.Which is either stupid or arrogant, by the way: one cannot know what the other thinks
In a relationship, the person with LSE will have his Trust torn up by doubts very often. He needs a lot of reassurance.
On the other hand, the same person may think he needs to buy himself into the relationship. Because he believes that he himself is worthless and only his material assets - money, gifts-  are appreciated. 
Poor LSE-er: the gifts may become more than a partner will feel comfortable with. 
Since LSE has its effect on every type of relationship, the person with LSE probably is faltering through life. The new relationship, be that friendship or a love relationship, becomes the One thing, getting all of the focus. Not only because he has nothing better going on. Also because being in a relationship increases his value. The relationship determines the value of his entire life. A sick dependency is coming up. So much , that the person with LSE might accept disloyalty from the partner, even pick himself bad partners. The danger of negative experiences lurks around.

Someone with high self esteem probably has a busy life, with many friends and interests. A love relationship or a new friendship is a beautiful addition to that life, but it is not everything. So a person with HSE will not easily end up in a sick dependency. Neither will a person with HSE accept disloyalty.
Someone with high self esteem knows that he is likeable, loveable. He is free to reject relationships, because others are waiting around the corner.

Since a person with a positive self image realises that he is important to others, prolonged silence of a (business) partner does not shatter his trust. Neither does a person with HSE have the compulsion to buy himself into a relationship, so no embarrassing showers of attention and gifts.
If the partner is ditto, there's a healthy ground for the relationship to evolve. It'll become strong and transparent, like a diamond.

When it comes to gathering experience: people with low self esteem have a higher risk of negative experiences. On the other hand, they can also remain isolated for a long time, prolonging their naivety.
When you have HSE, your chances of good experiences are better.

Now there we have the switch of the permanently burning lamp: the more you appreciate yourself, the more you know that others like you too. That makes it easier to trust someone: there's little or no doubt at the moments that there is no 'prove' from the partner. You don't fall into thinking 'She doesn't like me anymore'.
Simply because you believe in yourself. And because this 'system' often renders positive experiences, it reinforces itself. 

 Do you have a negative self image?  Take another look at yourself!
Mind you: LSE can be cured, so no worries
You may even cure yourself, by living your life, trying new things, taking risks of banging your nose once in a while … and cherish every tiny positive result.
If you think you're not worth that try, do it for others. Because you obviously can't trust -and love- someone else well enough, if you have a negative self image. Love thy neighbour as you love yourself, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment